these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
