Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
