Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
