If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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