Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
