Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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