I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
