Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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