My Higher Power is John Stamos
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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