Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
