Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I AM VODKA MAN
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
