My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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