he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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