Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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