After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
