I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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