You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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