Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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