I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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