return my video game
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
