I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
