The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Randomize
