The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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