I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Randomize
