This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
