Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
