omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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