so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
