That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
