Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
