ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
