i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
