And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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