it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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