I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize