Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
