so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
