R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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