there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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