I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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