i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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