Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
