I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
