My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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