she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Congratulations! We have a period
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
