So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize