I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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