Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
They took my balls.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
