You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
