life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
