all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
this will be a night to untag.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
