I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
