Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
