I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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