just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
