Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
