I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
