I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
