So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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