Who did Billy Mays play for?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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